According to the creators of the site their purpose is as follows:
FO' brothas.com is the first reference-based online community for the same-gender loving black man. Our mission is to make a positive difference in the lives of same-gender loving men of color, while strengthening their acceptance within the community, assisting them in becoming confident, self-loving and healthy individuals, primarily through providing top-notch resources, education, advocacy and health and wellness promotion on the Internet.
The FO' brothas.com experience is absolutely free to visitors. In addition to the helpful resources, FO' brothas.com offers a forum which allows users to discuss topics affecting the same gender loving black male community, create a user profile and send private messages to other users.
Please contact us if you have questions, suggestions or ideas concerning FO' brothas.com. We are always interested in hearing from visitors, partners and sponsors.
Now the website has not been updated Ever to my knoowledge. Over the years I have enjoyed the information on the site. Much of it is uplifting and good information for gay men irrespective of their race or ethnicity even though the site says it is strictly for "brothas".
So a few days ago I decided to venture onto Fo'brothas just to check some things out and maybe re-read some articles I have read in the past since as I said before I have not EVER seen it updated.
I clicked on a link to the left of the page titled "Dating and Relationships" which led me to another page with articles about various aspects of dating. From domestic violence to long-distance relationships and "How to meet a brotha on the street."
Over the years of perusing the site, I have read most of these various articles and posts. During this most recent visit one article in particular stuck out. The article was titled "How to Love a Black Man." I did not recall reading the article in the past but I do recall seeing the posting on the site. I was somewhat intrigued so I decided to read the article in its entirety. Before I go on I want to first share the article and then express my feelings regarding the article. The article is split into three parts. Here are all three sections:
Written by: Kalani Oke from http://www.fobrothas.com/
So a few days ago I decided to venture onto Fo'brothas just to check some things out and maybe re-read some articles I have read in the past since as I said before I have not EVER seen it updated.
I clicked on a link to the left of the page titled "Dating and Relationships" which led me to another page with articles about various aspects of dating. From domestic violence to long-distance relationships and "How to meet a brotha on the street."
Over the years of perusing the site, I have read most of these various articles and posts. During this most recent visit one article in particular stuck out. The article was titled "How to Love a Black Man." I did not recall reading the article in the past but I do recall seeing the posting on the site. I was somewhat intrigued so I decided to read the article in its entirety. Before I go on I want to first share the article and then express my feelings regarding the article. The article is split into three parts. Here are all three sections:
Written by: Kalani Oke from http://www.fobrothas.com/
Part 1
"To handicap a student for life by teaching him that his black (gay) face is a curse and that his struggle to change his condition is hopeless, is the worst kind of lynching. It kills one's aspirations and dooms him to vagabondage and crime." Mis-education of the Negro by Carter G. Woodson 1931
There has been an extreme outcry of why Nubian men can't make it work. It has nothing to do with what is going on with the other person or how so called "loving" white men are supposedly more available and better in relationships. (Just watching “Queer as Folks” has dispelled this myth.) It has to do with our individual ability to love ourselves and manifest the attributes of our desired mate within ourselves. We wish to believe that it is the other person that has the problem and not us. A higher degree, a good job, a big house, a fine car, a fit body, and all the other things we seem to hold dear and near to our hearts are not what keep us from having a committed relationship. It is our mis-education and misguided thinking that keeps us from having all that we wish for in life. Many of the brothers who date white men find the same if not worst situation as they do with Nubian men such as distrust, dependency, spousal abuse, issues with sexuality and promiscuity. If we continue to think like we do, we will continue to get what we have. In other words, we attract the characteristic that we manifest within ourselves.
For example: If I love helping people more than myself (co-dependency), I will continue to attract people who want to be helped (users, Kept men and dependents). If I constantly seek out the "Hard Nigga" image (roughnecks, b- boys, and Thugs), I will continue to attract those who portray that image (low self esteem, promiscuous, unmotivated, “pissin' in the street” because they are homeless, unemployed, abusers who have sex with me then degrade or beat me for being "In the Life", drug users and sexually confused).
So how do we find true love? First we must learn to love ourselves. How do we do that? Let us look at our way of thinking. When we come into an awareness of ourselves as Spiritual Being Self Love begins. Many times we will hear brothers say that we are closed-minded if we only date other Nubian males and are into learning more about our story. We are subject to and influenced by white culture from birth. Our parent gives us toys and put us in front of the TV to watch white cartoon characters Sesame Street or the Young and the Restless. The TV portrays us as all enjoying the same European culture with the long white leader guiding the group of “minority” children. When we enter school, we are taught European history, European literature, European culture, European values and white American history from kindergarten to 12th grade. We are told that the only role we had in society was that of slavery and a civil rights leader, (because the history books would have us to believe that there was only one) Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., who taught "non-violent social change". In college, we are required to learn the same and are labeled "radical" if we are lucky enough to have a "black" history course to take as an elective, even at "historically black"' colleges. We are not told of the programs for improving the community by the Black Panthers, Malcolm Y, or the Marcus Garvey Pan African Movement.
We are only told that they were violent radicals out to over throw this so-called "mighty" nation. We are not told that a Nubian man invented the filament that makes the light bulb work. We "forgot" to mention that as each new building that was built during post-slavery time is being torn down, the antebellum homes that the slaves built still stand. We "forgot" to mention that Washington DC was designed and built by a Nubian man.
We "forgot" to mention that it was a Nubian man that navigated Columbus's ship. We "forgot" to mention that the mightiest warrior king in Africa was same gender loving. We "forgot" that many of the teachers and philosophers of African society including many of today's diviners and spiritual doctors are same gender loving people. We “forgot” to mention that most of our ancestors did not come from Africa but are indigenous to Turtle Island a.k.a. USA. And many of us could not even begin to tell each other from what nation we descended but I bet nine times out of ten if we are mixed with some type of Native American we probably know what tribe. And then, people have the brass balls to try and tell us that we are closed minded for wanting to know more about our story, Please! We are not in this race to be the lap dog or lackey to that lacks of the most powerful substance on earth, Melanin, the pigment in our skin that give us our color, the only substance that can reduce the fine line of wrinkles, that can make blemishes disappear, that stores the suns energy for future use in the human body. People of color make up over 90% of the planet’s population so why are we trying to live up to standards that are not in our best interest. We follow the European philosophy of "I think, therefore, I am" when we should follow the Spiritual philosophy of "I AM because, God Is".
It is our diversity that makes us the most powerful and feared people on this planet. We are constantly bombarded with images of the "Unkempt Negro". The lavish uncaring frivolous thugs in the BET videos, MC Lyte "gotta have a ruff neck", the "Good Times" mother hatred of a Jesus painted in her own image, The brightly colored loud unloving pimp, The nightly news with images of brothers in chains spanking his child on the bottom in a mall, etc..., constantly show us the negative stereotypes that whites view of us in society. And we give them these images by upholding the stereotypes they put in the stores for us to buy. Over the past 50 years we have changed our titles several times. We have progressed from nigger to African American showing our growing knowledge of our story and the growth of the propaganda promoting it helping each generation pickup where the other left off in it’s wake. We have been called niggers, nigras, nigga, and nigrahs and claim that we do not like this label. Yet we still tend to use this term with each other vacillating between using it to express fondness or as an insult because we refuse to change our way of thinking.
In Africa, the country has now been bastardized with European culture, idealizations and imagery. Many parts are just as bastardize in ideology as we are here in Amerikkka. We are made to believe that material things will make us happy and will attract the person that is right for us. No one said it better than Billie D. Williams in Mahogany, "Money means nothing without someone you love to share it with." We should ask ourselves this question, if I can't be with someone at their lowest point, what make me think I deserve to be with them at their high point. Since when did TV dictate to me whom I should and what I should like in someone? There is a big difference between a man working to achieve a better life for himself and a man working to better his situation. The first is trying to improve his life through his independence, determination, and will power all the while having us by his side. The latter will use us for his objectives regardless of our feelings or needs.
In church, we are taught about a white savior and all the white holidays the come along with the Christian religion that this country was founded upon. We must remember none of our ancestors came across these waters with a bible in their hand nor did any of our ancestors in America carry one prior to the white man’s arrival. Our spirituality, language and culture were stripped away from us and we were treated as cattle for the slaughter. They "forgot" to tell us that the book they use was stolen from the "Egyptian Book of the Dead." They also "forgot 'to mention the passages in the bible that show the most powerful love was between same sex couples such as: Ruth 1: 16-18, 1 Samuel 18: 1-4, 2 Samuel 1: 26, just to name a few. They also failed to mention that our American ancestor lived at one with the land and all of nature. They tell us that God comes in three forms; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It is actually four from an Africentric point of view; Father, Mother, Child, and Androgynous.
Religious Dogma and Doctrines were made to control and subdue the masses. If religions are supposed to be unifying, how is it that Sunday is the most segregated time in this country. We are taught that God is an angry God. God is something up in the sky sitting on a throne and hell is place of fire and brimstone. Hell is where we allow our error/negative thinking take us. Hell is a life in stagnation; cold, lonely and lifeless. Demons are those of us who participate in error/negative thinking allowing it to dictate our life. We are being of Spirit manifested in flesh. We were here before the foundation of the world. God is within us. We are all Children of God, a bright, shining and wondrous light. God expresses himself as us individually for we are made in his image and likeness. If we would only believe that there would be nothing on this earth that we could ever want, need, or desire but we don't even though it says so in the "Word". They tell us unless we accept this spirituality we will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Yet, all spiritual paths lead to God. If God created me and God is love and I am created in God’s likeness and image, it is therefore safe to say Love is what I am. God is within us and we should express the Christ; the Child of God within us in order to attract the mate we seek. Our true spiritual nature connects us directly with God. We are God in expression and extension of all God is. We are so important to God that the universe would be incomplete without us. All paths lead to Spirit. It is an interfaith awareness that simply accepts spiritual truth no matter where it comes from; this is true enlightened. We must have a beginners mind ever seeking fulfillment. Our spiritual cups run over and coat us completely but once we are full the run off should fill another’s cup. Living Life to its fullest is a healthy Spirituality. Same Gender Loving people must become aware of who they are as spirit to achieve enlightenment.
Religious Dogma and Doctrines were made to control and subdue the masses. If religions are supposed to be unifying, how is it that Sunday is the most segregated time in this country. We are taught that God is an angry God. God is something up in the sky sitting on a throne and hell is place of fire and brimstone. Hell is where we allow our error/negative thinking take us. Hell is a life in stagnation; cold, lonely and lifeless. Demons are those of us who participate in error/negative thinking allowing it to dictate our life. We are being of Spirit manifested in flesh. We were here before the foundation of the world. God is within us. We are all Children of God, a bright, shining and wondrous light. God expresses himself as us individually for we are made in his image and likeness. If we would only believe that there would be nothing on this earth that we could ever want, need, or desire but we don't even though it says so in the "Word". They tell us unless we accept this spirituality we will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Yet, all spiritual paths lead to God. If God created me and God is love and I am created in God’s likeness and image, it is therefore safe to say Love is what I am. God is within us and we should express the Christ; the Child of God within us in order to attract the mate we seek. Our true spiritual nature connects us directly with God. We are God in expression and extension of all God is. We are so important to God that the universe would be incomplete without us. All paths lead to Spirit. It is an interfaith awareness that simply accepts spiritual truth no matter where it comes from; this is true enlightened. We must have a beginners mind ever seeking fulfillment. Our spiritual cups run over and coat us completely but once we are full the run off should fill another’s cup. Living Life to its fullest is a healthy Spirituality. Same Gender Loving people must become aware of who they are as spirit to achieve enlightenment.
Same gender loving people were not only accepted in Africa and the Americas but also highly respected. Don't let the bastardized-eurocentric-thinking Africans, or the homophobic-cover-up-Af-fake-centric brothers of today tell us that homosexuality is a European concept because Adodi, which means a person who encompasses both male and female spirits in one human form is an African Concept of the Yoruba nation and they are same gender loving. In the Americas, same gender loving men and women were accepted as the gender they choose act out; allowed to marry and live a happy and fulfilling life with their mates as part of the total community. We have our own history. "Gay", "the pink triangle", "the rainbow flag", etc... are all symbols of gay white European history. How many of us know about the Chiwere of Mali a god/goddess that could change here gender at will, the Umoja twins of Nigeria whom are a spiritual pair that can be both sexes or opposite sexes, the two spirited beings of the Navaho Native American tribe, the Native American Zuni Man-Woman, all of which are historical documented representations of our homosexual history. How many of us are aware that the Stonewall Riots that the white gay community claims as their starting point for “gay rights” was incited by Black and Hispanic drag queens and the Black and Hispanic Thugs with whom they associated. The term "In the Life" that was made famous during the Harlem Renaissance ( We were accepted as equal members of society in the field of the Arts. It was an unspoken acceptance of “out” discretion.) that encompasses all aspects of the community (Homosexual, Transsexual or Bisexual). How many of us actually take the time out of our day to go and look up something about our own story, our own culture or make an effort to correct our wrong thinking? It is our concepts of our selves and our community that keeps it in the “Club Mentality”.
Part 2
Let us look at our concepts of Nubian men as presented by Dr. Ronn Elmore in his book "How to Love a Black Man. "
The Ideal Black Man
Incredibly fine ... but totally unaware of it. Built like Mandingo ... but never stuck at the gym
Sensitive and gentle... but not too gentle; not a wimp
Completely honest... but won't tell me anything that hurts
Totally unselfish ... but remarkably independent; doesn't need anybody
Financially secure ... but doesn't have to invest time in staying that way
Intelligent and well-educated ... but never acts "proper"
Sexually dynamic ... but only "in the mood" when I am.
Highly spiritual ... but keeps his God "in his place."
Articulate, even eloquent ... But sounds Black, never white .
Able to solve every problem ... but not a know-it-all
Completely dependable, never disappoints ... but not (yawn) predictable.
Incredibly fine ... but totally unaware of it. Built like Mandingo ... but never stuck at the gym
Sensitive and gentle... but not too gentle; not a wimp
Completely honest... but won't tell me anything that hurts
Totally unselfish ... but remarkably independent; doesn't need anybody
Financially secure ... but doesn't have to invest time in staying that way
Intelligent and well-educated ... but never acts "proper"
Sexually dynamic ... but only "in the mood" when I am.
Highly spiritual ... but keeps his God "in his place."
Articulate, even eloquent ... But sounds Black, never white .
Able to solve every problem ... but not a know-it-all
Completely dependable, never disappoints ... but not (yawn) predictable.
Many of us see this perfect man as the one for us. Mr. Right! Reality Check, he does not exist. No one has ever seen or experienced being with this man. We expect someone to have all of these characteristics yet we don't have them ourselves. How can we expect someone to live up to a standard we don't and can't live up to ourselves?
THIS IS NOT WHO NUBIAN MEN REALLY ARE.
The Raw Deal Black Man
Utterly Irresponsible
Manipulative/Exploitative- Violent/Abusive
Lazy/Undermotivatied/Low- achieving
Completely undependable
Non communicative/Inarticulate Uncommitted
Self - Centered
Immature
Sex-Crazed
Criminal
Unfaithful, Insensitive to partners
Utterly Irresponsible
Manipulative/Exploitative- Violent/Abusive
Lazy/Undermotivatied/Low- achieving
Completely undependable
Non communicative/Inarticulate Uncommitted
Self - Centered
Immature
Sex-Crazed
Criminal
Unfaithful, Insensitive to partners
We all have been hurt and these are the charges brought before the court by the Disgruntle Lovers Association of America. We must realize that more than one person was hurt here and there are two sides to every story. Don't be surprised if one or more of our ex's brings some, most or all of these charges against us. We must stop internalizing our misfortune with Nubian men and chalk it up to experience. Our pain can make stereotyping, pigeonholing and generalizing about Nubian men awfully tempting (“he" becomes "they", "some" becomes "air,). We must forgive whoever hurt us (they don't have to be present put in the hand of God in a prayer, say it out loud in our room or just think it), learn from the experience and move on with our lives. Life is too short to waste. The day we let go of known pain and open up ourselves to unknown pleasure will be a miraculous and wondrous day of growth for us.
THIS IS NOT WHO NUBIAN MEN REALLY ARE.
THIS IS NOT WHO NUBIAN MEN REALLY ARE.
The Real Deal Black Man
Gets much of his sense of self -worth from his performance. Skill, achievement, conquest, acquisition, and competency are key for him in virtually all areas of life including relationships.
Possesses a wide and varied range of emotions, many of which are not available for outward display. Often afraid, angry, lonely, proud or weary.
Have survived repeated blows to his manhood - personally and historically.
Is often more competent in showing his love than verbalizing it.
Treasures his space, freedom, and independence (which can appear to be selfish).
Is violently resistant to real or perceived failure.
Is familiar with and expects severe losses.
The Real Deal Black Man is made of flesh and bone - the remarkable and the regrettable. He alone has the potential for desiring and experiencing our love and lavishing his upon us. We must start looking at each other and ourselves in more realistic ways.
Gets much of his sense of self -worth from his performance. Skill, achievement, conquest, acquisition, and competency are key for him in virtually all areas of life including relationships.
Possesses a wide and varied range of emotions, many of which are not available for outward display. Often afraid, angry, lonely, proud or weary.
Have survived repeated blows to his manhood - personally and historically.
Is often more competent in showing his love than verbalizing it.
Treasures his space, freedom, and independence (which can appear to be selfish).
Is violently resistant to real or perceived failure.
Is familiar with and expects severe losses.
The Real Deal Black Man is made of flesh and bone - the remarkable and the regrettable. He alone has the potential for desiring and experiencing our love and lavishing his upon us. We must start looking at each other and ourselves in more realistic ways.
THIS IS WHO NUBIAN MEN REALLY ARE.
How do we start the ball rolling? First, look at our role in the relationships we have had. I am not talking about top or bottom, dominant or submissive, masculine or effeminate. Men who can tolerate the sensation of taking a hard dick up the butt and still retain their masculinity even in the heat of passion are no less a man than the one providing the dick. Now that I gotten that out of the way, I am referring to how we act and react in the relationship. We may find that we unknowingly sabotage the very satisfaction we desire in our relationship. Dr. Ronn Elmore provides the following common roles and characteristic in his book "How to Love a Black Man". What is your approach to Love?
Pleasers: Your Love Life’s Theme Song: “You’re Nobody till Somebody Love’s You”
Are in love with love and the trappings that go with it
Feel great about themselves when men show interest, and horrible when they don't
Are secretly very competitive with other people and struggle with feelings of inadequacy around men.
Have men and relationships almost always as the center of their thoughts, their conversation, and their emotions.
Hope that having a Pedestal Man of their own will somehow make-up for feeling like they are not one themselves.
Your Fantasy Relationship: He is the world’s greatest, most wonderful, super-terrific-in-every-way Black man – and everyone knows it. He has chosen you and you only- and everyone knows it. Every moment of every day for the rest of your life, you look, speak and conduct yourself “just right,” thus managing to maintain his devotion and affections forever. Now you proudly stand alongside him on his pedestal and live happily ever after.
Your Issue: Low Self-Esteem
Are in love with love and the trappings that go with it
Feel great about themselves when men show interest, and horrible when they don't
Are secretly very competitive with other people and struggle with feelings of inadequacy around men.
Have men and relationships almost always as the center of their thoughts, their conversation, and their emotions.
Hope that having a Pedestal Man of their own will somehow make-up for feeling like they are not one themselves.
Your Fantasy Relationship: He is the world’s greatest, most wonderful, super-terrific-in-every-way Black man – and everyone knows it. He has chosen you and you only- and everyone knows it. Every moment of every day for the rest of your life, you look, speak and conduct yourself “just right,” thus managing to maintain his devotion and affections forever. Now you proudly stand alongside him on his pedestal and live happily ever after.
Your Issue: Low Self-Esteem
Controllers: Your Love Life’s Theme Song: ”My Way”
Are super-responsible, pragmatic, and hardworking. Their patience wears thin with men who aren't.
Expect their men's love to be demonstrated by bowing to their standards, values, and expectations.
Constantly try to convince themselves and others that they aren't manipulative, compulsive, or demanding.
Tend to talk about their emotions rather than express them.
Use silence, withdrawal, or departure to punish their man when he fails to do it their way.
Your Fantasy Relationship: You are committed to a Black man who is a male version of you. He has your perfect standards, your superior taste, your penchant for detail and your flawless instincts.
Your Issue: Fear of the unknown and uncontrollable.
Rescuers: Your Love Life’s Theme Song: “You don’t have to cry, alone.”
Alone. He will soak up the goodies, but never change his ways, and never manage to give back as much as we give out. Or he will soak up the goodies, get fixed and walk away from one man he “needs” and toward one he wants.
Resented. Your fixing will eventually make him feel needy and dependent, so he’ll reject, ignores, or shows no appreciation for our efforts.
Exhausted. He will become addicted to our rescuing and fixing and progress to demanding more and more of it – ultimately more than we can possibly give.
Your Fantasy Relationship: You want a man who wants to be your caretaker. You would be thrilled for him to be just strong enough to give you some of the same kind of loyal, dependable and very hardworking love you give. But you want your man to be just weak enough to not be able to make without you.
Your Issue: Fear of abandonment
Are super-responsible, pragmatic, and hardworking. Their patience wears thin with men who aren't.
Expect their men's love to be demonstrated by bowing to their standards, values, and expectations.
Constantly try to convince themselves and others that they aren't manipulative, compulsive, or demanding.
Tend to talk about their emotions rather than express them.
Use silence, withdrawal, or departure to punish their man when he fails to do it their way.
Your Fantasy Relationship: You are committed to a Black man who is a male version of you. He has your perfect standards, your superior taste, your penchant for detail and your flawless instincts.
Your Issue: Fear of the unknown and uncontrollable.
Rescuers: Your Love Life’s Theme Song: “You don’t have to cry, alone.”
Alone. He will soak up the goodies, but never change his ways, and never manage to give back as much as we give out. Or he will soak up the goodies, get fixed and walk away from one man he “needs” and toward one he wants.
Resented. Your fixing will eventually make him feel needy and dependent, so he’ll reject, ignores, or shows no appreciation for our efforts.
Exhausted. He will become addicted to our rescuing and fixing and progress to demanding more and more of it – ultimately more than we can possibly give.
Your Fantasy Relationship: You want a man who wants to be your caretaker. You would be thrilled for him to be just strong enough to give you some of the same kind of loyal, dependable and very hardworking love you give. But you want your man to be just weak enough to not be able to make without you.
Your Issue: Fear of abandonment
Avoiders: Your Love Life’s Theme Song: ”Distant Lover”
Only get close enough to men to be their friends – they avoid becoming anyone’s lover
Study men, and the world of romance, but avoid getting involved in it.
Settle for men’s respect and admiration, and avoid the romantic or sexual attraction to us.
Store up lots of wisdom about the dynamics of satisfying relationships, but avoid any context where we would get to use it.
Have made an unconscious but committed vow to avoid initiating a relationship with a man, but believes that when “The One and Only Right One” comes along we will be irresistibly taken over and finally give ourselves to love.
Your Fantasy Relationship: A knight in Shining armor will come and beg you to be his. When his begging fails to woo you, he’ll sweep you off your feet and carry you away. He’ll gladly spend the rest of his live proving how much he must have you, even though you persist in declaring that you can live without him. He will expose his heart to the possibility of your rejection daily, but you will never have to. And so, you will live happily every after.
Your Issue: You feel ineligible for men’s love.
Only get close enough to men to be their friends – they avoid becoming anyone’s lover
Study men, and the world of romance, but avoid getting involved in it.
Settle for men’s respect and admiration, and avoid the romantic or sexual attraction to us.
Store up lots of wisdom about the dynamics of satisfying relationships, but avoid any context where we would get to use it.
Have made an unconscious but committed vow to avoid initiating a relationship with a man, but believes that when “The One and Only Right One” comes along we will be irresistibly taken over and finally give ourselves to love.
Your Fantasy Relationship: A knight in Shining armor will come and beg you to be his. When his begging fails to woo you, he’ll sweep you off your feet and carry you away. He’ll gladly spend the rest of his live proving how much he must have you, even though you persist in declaring that you can live without him. He will expose his heart to the possibility of your rejection daily, but you will never have to. And so, you will live happily every after.
Your Issue: You feel ineligible for men’s love.
Bashers: Your Love Life’s Theme Song: ”Mama said, Knock you out!”
Find relationships with black men to be like competitions with an opponent who must be held in check.
Feel justified and vindicated when they believe their efforts to humble their man by putting him in his place will succeed.
Have difficulty accepting any responsibility for the failures of their relationships.
Resent it when men are turned off by them, but are suspicious when men are attracted to them
Have absolutely no patience with disappointments or tears – especially their own.
Your Fantasy Relationship: You’d’ be with a humble, apologetic man who was just intimidated enough by you to give you respect and reverence, but not the kind of respect that comes form a loving partner, rather that which comes from a semi-reformed convict to his parole officer. You want him to be, at least a little, scared of you and the awesome power you wield.
Your Issue: Incredible rage from past hurts accumulated through the years.
If these categories have stepped on any one toes, Good, maybe it will help us to change our way of obtaining a relationship.
Find relationships with black men to be like competitions with an opponent who must be held in check.
Feel justified and vindicated when they believe their efforts to humble their man by putting him in his place will succeed.
Have difficulty accepting any responsibility for the failures of their relationships.
Resent it when men are turned off by them, but are suspicious when men are attracted to them
Have absolutely no patience with disappointments or tears – especially their own.
Your Fantasy Relationship: You’d’ be with a humble, apologetic man who was just intimidated enough by you to give you respect and reverence, but not the kind of respect that comes form a loving partner, rather that which comes from a semi-reformed convict to his parole officer. You want him to be, at least a little, scared of you and the awesome power you wield.
Your Issue: Incredible rage from past hurts accumulated through the years.
If these categories have stepped on any one toes, Good, maybe it will help us to change our way of obtaining a relationship.
Part 3
Here are a few suggestions in preparing for Mr. Right-for-You.
Start working on Ourselves; Spiritually, mentally and physically. Do it because we want to improve ourselves and not for the purpose of finding a mate. If we succeed in making ourselves happy the mate we seek will naturally be attracted to us.
Start working on Ourselves; Spiritually, mentally and physically. Do it because we want to improve ourselves and not for the purpose of finding a mate. If we succeed in making ourselves happy the mate we seek will naturally be attracted to us.
Stop doing what we think will attract a man or make them happy. How in the world can we make someone else happy if we are not happy with our situation in life? (If we hate the club scene, don't go. Do things that you love to do. Join a book club, go bike riding or roller-skating, take a trip, go to a ball game, etc... We may be surprised at the large number of men we may meet, including the "Superstars".) Bring to full manifestation the aspects we would want in a mate into our own life; sit back and enjoy the ride.
Stop rushing into momentary lapses of physical satisfaction. "Everything that looks good ain't good for ya". We need to stop having sex with someone we meet in the first night or even within the first week. Take the time to find out about the person character and mindset. A lot of time we will see that they are not worthy of our love or attention. We may find out that the person's ego is so ugly it destroys the total package. Because of the plethora of men in some of the larger cities, "everyone wants to taste all the flavors leaving behind the good stuff they got at home." My grandmother says, "People always think the grass is greener on the other side, they go there only to find astro-turf. Then they want to come back to a lawn they never kept up in the first place."
Open up our mind to new experiences. We are more prone to go to a club than to go to a workshop on safer sex or relationship building. Stop limiting ourselves to sexuality whether hetero, homo, trans, or bi. We don't have to stop doing everything we did before we accepted our sexuality. Yes, we have changed in some ways but that does not mean we have to expel everything non-heterosexual or non-homosexual. We can still go to the clubs, the games, the plays with homosexual characters, or the rap concerts.
We must not live our lives through our sexuality. We should let our sexuality be a part of our life and ourselves. There is more to life than a fine body, big dick or tight behind. As soon as we think we are the best there is always something better to take our place.
Stop limiting ourselves to the white race. There are a lot of brothers that limit themselves to the Eurocentric "gay" scene. How many times have white men gone to "black" clubs or "black" events with their "black' friends. The odds are rarely if not at all. But brothers will flock to these white scenes like pigs in slop. Is our own self-hatred that deeply embedded in us? We don't support Nubian business not to mention Nubian "In the Life” businesses. Nubian males can go other places beside the white events and white clubs. There is more than enough information on the Internet and more than enough people to tell us about it in the chat rooms. Network with one another and make it happen. The time for idle chatter has ended. Get out of the clicks and into the trenches. Remove the negative thought pattern from our mentality. "I'm tired of..., I don't feel like, I can't etc..." are all phrases that need to be erased from our minds and our way of thinking. These can be changed to more positive phases such as: "I can, I shall, and I will".
We must communicate with whomever we are considering as a partner. If we get upset about something, we must talk about it with our partner; Not argue and fight, but serious talk. If our partner is the type of person that we cannot talk with about issues in our relationship, then it is time for us to reevaluate the relationship and consider terminating it. Our well being must come first in order to have a healthy and prosperous relationship. We must be honest. If we are unhappy in our relationship, we cannot lie about it to our mates. He will see our dissatisfaction in our actions, trust will falter and we will feel that our mates are not considering or don't care about our feelings. This is when the eyes will start to wonder looking for everything he lost when he first met us. Remember we are all perfectly made for we are the way God meant for us to be. The only faults or imperfection we have are the one we see in others that are reflections of stuff we need to deal with in ourselves. One man’s fault is another man’s turn on.
Remember, what we used to catch him we must use to keep him. We have to slow down. We don't give our all and all in the beginning. We should let the man work for our admiration, love and respect. He must be willing to give and receive. A relationship is a two way street not a one way highway. Once we have him, we should not stop what we were doing in the beginning because we feel that the relationship has stabilized and we are comfortable. We must pay attention to our needs and the needs of our partner. If I had a fit body when I met, keep a fit body. If I was intellectually stimulating, stay up on the latest topics. I must handle my business. I must keep dating my man even when I am with my man. Just because we are together doesn’t mean we have to stop going out on dates and enjoying each other. So many relationships end because one partner is no longer “fun”. Memories make our lives and our relationships that much richer. Make plenty of them with trips, events, special occasions etc… They will help with your growth for a lifetime.
We must RESPECT one another’s personal space, feeling and person. When the disrespect sets in, it’s time to pack the bags and move on. Our individual well being is the most important aspect to a healthy and strong relationship. We cannot give love if we are always in a state of fear. (Ex: depression, anxiety, jealousy, anger, substance abuse, etc...) We must allow our mate to have their personal time alone and with their friends. When our mates go away they come back with a wealth of conversation through the growth they experience in their other relationships. If we are always together it limits the conversation but when our partners are allowed to freely express themselves they come back with so much more to share with you freely from their own life and experiences. It helps to build trust and sustain a lasting relationship.
We must let go of the past hurt, pain and self-destructive behaviors. We get so comfortable in known pain that we fear unknown pleasure. We walk around telling everyone our sob story till nobody wants to deal with us. Yes, it happened. Yes, our hearts were broken but we cannot allow a past experience to put F.E.A.R. (False Experiences Appearing Real) to dictate the rest of our love lives. By judging men based on what happened in the past, gives power to the person we perceived to have hurt us and thereby they still control our lives even though they are not in it.
We must let go of the past hurt, pain and self-destructive behaviors. We get so comfortable in known pain that we fear unknown pleasure. We walk around telling everyone our sob story till nobody wants to deal with us. Yes, it happened. Yes, our hearts were broken but we cannot allow a past experience to put F.E.A.R. (False Experiences Appearing Real) to dictate the rest of our love lives. By judging men based on what happened in the past, gives power to the person we perceived to have hurt us and thereby they still control our lives even though they are not in it.
First we must look at our behavior; Am I attracting a different man to play the same role? Am I repeating a behavior to coax a man to participate in a category because I have decided, “all men are this way”? Second we must look to see what we are doing to continue the “drama” Am I still going to the same hangout where I met this “type” of brother? Am I judging this brother based on what my “ex” did to me expecting and leading this brother to do just what I expect? Third we must take a look at what we want and are we ready for it; Am I ready for love? Am I healing my heart? What is it I seek in myself that will be reflected by my mate? Past Transgression are the biggest blockers to experiencing true love. Don’t let love pass you by because of an illusion of perceived hurt. Love is what I am. Love is my true nature. Love is not an emotion but an active energy expressing itself through my feeling nature. It is the essence of my entire being. Love is not an emotion but my feeling nature. Being in love is the expression of Divine Love flowing through me as me. I am a vessel of Spirit and thereby the bearer of Love and blessings. Love knows only itself and as I listen to its Divine voice guiding and leading me through life I am sustained and fulfilled. It doesn’t fathom the illusions of hurt, pain and fear. To say I am experiencing such emotion is to say I believe in the illusion of what I am not. I am created in the Likeness and image of Love and thereby endowed with the powers of Love. Everything, Everything, EVERYTHING is an expression of Love.
When I believe in the illusion of what I am not I then use that expression in a way that teaches me that I am more than I believe myself to be. God has created everything that was, is and will be. I have been given the power to do with it that which I will. As Little G to the Big G, I also am endowed with the power of the spoken word. Thoughts are the only reality is the physical that is the illusion because at any time in my life I can change my mind. This is how an Ex-Con can lead a Muslim Nation – Malcolm X. This is how a homeless mother can become an academy award-winning actress: Whoppie Goldberg. It is how a carpenter’s son could change the world; Jesus Christ. They all came into the understanding of who they are. I am a child of God. I am a child of Love there for I am Love manifest. When I know this, being “in love” become an expression of a Love Divine. All the love that I share with my mate is returned to me blessed and multiplied because as I allow Divine Love to flow through me to him it mingles with the presence of Divine Love in him and flows back to me. Every act in our relationship becomes an expression of love because my mate reflects back to me that which I put out. And if my mate reflects back to me something, I don’t like then his is reflecting back to me something I need to work on within myself. An example would be, my mate cheats on me. Do I cheat back, do I leave him, do ignore it or do I work it out. Depending on where we are in Spirit will depend on my reaction. If I am a cheater, I will cheat back. If I don’t feel worthy of Love, I will continue in the relationship with the idea all men cheat and ignore it. This is will only cause my spirit, mind and body to be drained of it energy and vitality for life because I am lowering myself to the standards of an illusion.
If I am not willing to work on hurt cause by past relationships, I will leave him and get another man to play the same character. But due to my unwillingness to work with my own stuff, I will suppress the hurt and become so comfortable in the hurt it will be the standard by which I guide my life. And, I will be unwilling to let go of know pain for fear of unknown pleasure because this illusion is all I know. BUT, since I know who I am in Spirit; as Spirit, I am gonna work this thing out. I am gonna work out my issues with being in a relationship that is not serving me. Even if that means loving this man enough to remove him from my existence for a while because the love of self preservation must take first in order for me to share my love with another. I have to be willing to care for myself enough to know that once I do I will have more than enough to share.
Sometimes I have to let love go and if it is true it will come back to me. But sometimes when it comes back, it still means I must love enough to know that it must be kept at a distance in order for it to recognize itself. Although I love this man, I still learned that this must be in order for me to sustain my self-preservation. Love never dies. No matter what this man has done to me, if I see him with eyes of love, then I will remember his loving ways. I will have no problem acknowledging him as the love his is although I have also learned that this particular relationship must stay at arm’s length. Love will still see him in the expression of love that he is and make us say things like
"Hey baby, it is real good seeing you again, Can I just hug ya before you go. Awww Baby. You turned on my fire and you burned me up with in your flame ""Lay you head on my pillow, Hold you warm and tender body close to mine, hear the whispers of rain drops falling softly against the window, just make believe that ya love me one more time. For the good times "
"I tried to think of you as just another lover in my past that didn’t last but it’s not that simple baby. We can’t be friends cause I’m still in love with you.""I listen to my records until I just didn’t want to hear them anymore. I went to bed but I found myself waking up a few hours later and tears were running down my face."
For Love, has no memory of past transgressions. It loves freely and unconditionally. Although I may not get back into a relationship with this particular person, I will never stop having feelings for him and if I do, then I truly didn’t love them.
"Hey baby, it is real good seeing you again, Can I just hug ya before you go. Awww Baby. You turned on my fire and you burned me up with in your flame ""Lay you head on my pillow, Hold you warm and tender body close to mine, hear the whispers of rain drops falling softly against the window, just make believe that ya love me one more time. For the good times "
"I tried to think of you as just another lover in my past that didn’t last but it’s not that simple baby. We can’t be friends cause I’m still in love with you.""I listen to my records until I just didn’t want to hear them anymore. I went to bed but I found myself waking up a few hours later and tears were running down my face."
For Love, has no memory of past transgressions. It loves freely and unconditionally. Although I may not get back into a relationship with this particular person, I will never stop having feelings for him and if I do, then I truly didn’t love them.
Love is more than the “little things” someone does for me. It is coming to a point in life where I connect with the spirit of another in such a way where I care for him and I am concern about him. It is not being controlling or co-dependent but being there for someone regardless of need. I am simply present. When I am aware of myself as Love, I operate in a manner of love where infatuation becomes playful courting. When love becomes this powerful, it transforms the sexual act into a passionate exchange of spiritual energy. Charles Filmore says All things should be done with a purpose, with pleasure as a concomitant only. Pleasure lends zest to all action, but it should never be exalted to the high place in consciousness. Sex indulgence for mere pleasure is an eating or appropriating of the pure substance that pervades the whole nervous system, which is appropriately compared to a tree. This excess of pleasure is sooner or later followed by equal reaction, which is destructive, and the body cries out in pain. When the substance in the organism is conserved and retained, the nerves are charged with a spiritual energy, which runs like lightning through an organism filled with the virgin substance of the soul. When in the ignorance of sensation men and women deplete their substance, the rose of the cheek and the sparkle of the eye fade away. Then the kiss and the touch that were once so satisfying become cold and lifeless.
If I see sex as a biological act, then I have absolutely no right to get angry or upset if a man cheats because, he is performing a biological act. If I am not there to help him with that act, then he must “love the one he is with”. This belief makes sex as simple as relieving myself on the toilet.
This is not my belief. If we look at the animal kingdom, they don’t’ just haphazardly have sex. The females only get with the best, brightest and strongest male. The gay male animals don’t allow any other male to top them, It must be the strongest and most dominant male in the group. Even in the animal kingdom, the sexual act is performed with a purpose. I feel sex like anything else can be used for my upliftment or as a teaching tool to get me out of my belief in an illusion. I could go and have sex in with someone whose name I don’t even know and wish he would leave my bed when it is over. No matter how “good” it may be sex in this manner drains the body of a power energy that is used for our nourishment because both parties become succubuses for the presence of love of which neither is acting out. But when sex is performed in the presence and awareness of love it becomes passion and fulfilling. It is like eating a good meal; all I want to do afterwards is rest and I feel satisfied. Sex performed with love presence feed both parties because the energy is recycled and recharged. Sex is powerful because it is the only time in the physical that to spirits can become one for there is no separation between the bodies. This is why it can impeach a president, start a war or make a grown man cry. Have I been “in love”? O yes, and thank them all “for the good times”.
Call it not love, for love to heaven is fledSince sweating lust on earth usurp'd his name;Under whose simple semblance he hath fedUpon fresh beauty, blotting it with blame;Which the hot tyrant stains and soon bereaves,As caterpillars do the tender leaves.Love comforteth like sunshine after rain,But lust's effect is tempest after sun;Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain,Lust's winter comes ere summer half be done;Love surfeits not, lust like a glutton dies;Love is all truth, lust full of forged lies.--Shakespeare
As we go through life we will have many soul mates. Our family, friends and the men we meet are participating as soul mates to experiences and the growth we accumulate through our lives. It is up to us to find our Beloved by actively experiencing live and enjoying it. We will not find our Beloved in a bag of potato chip while sitting on the couch. Live life and do things that you enjoy. These are only a few of the ways we can help better ourselves. We have been going through a long process of coming into an awareness of ourselves. Relationships with other Nubian males can work and do work. A few examples of my extended family are as follows:
My “In the Life” Grand Father and His Beloved – 58 years
My "In the Life" Father and his Beloved - 45 years
My “In the Life” Mentor and his Beloved – 37 years
My "In the Life" Brother and his Beloved - 25 years
My "In the Life" Cousin and his Beloved - 25 years
My "In the Life" Best Friend and his Beloved - 16 years
What we speak from our mouths is what we bring into manifestation in this world
Now as I read through this article initially I felt as though I was being attacked because I am a black man who is dating a white man. I took a step back and decided to start reading it again and attempt to figure out why I was feeling attacked.
As I read again I didn't feel attacked but more empowered because of what I took from the article. Before I go on I will say there are some great pieces of advice in this article for ALL men in seeking a healthy relationship with another man. In truth some of the positive points in this article can be related to anyone straight, gay and all points in between in seeking healthy intimate relationships.
In reading this article I was struck by the negative tone of the author in terms of speaking about relationships and specifically in speaking about interracial dating and relationships. What struck me most was the fact that at one time in my life I would have agreed with every word in this article. There was a time in my life when I truly acted as though dating a man who was not Black or Latino was truly a crime.
Before I continue let me just say there area myriad of issues with this all 3 parts of this article. So many that I may revisit some of the other issues in other blogs in the future. In this blog I would like to address the issue I have with the author's accusatory message that says if someone chooses to date outside of his race the reason must be that he does not love himself.
So in Part 1 the author speaks about Black same gender loving men being obsessed with White culture and therefore unable to find true love. He makes points that generalize all Black men as to therefore explain his own unhappiness in life and love. Much like him I am just giving my opinions, but I believe his generalizations have nothing to do with my experience as what he calls a Black Same-Gender Loving (SGL) man.
In part 1 the author begins by saying saying we cannot find love because we do not know ourselves.
"Our parent gives us toys and put us in front of the TV to watch white cartoon characters Sesame Street or the Young and the Restless. The TV portrays us as all enjoy the same European culture with the long white leader guiding the group of “minority” children. When we enter school, we are taught European history, European literature, European culture, European values and white American history from kindergarten to 12th grade. We are told that the only role we had in society was that of slavery and a civil rights leader, (because the history books would have us to believe that there was only one) Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., who taught "non-violent social change". In college, we are required to learn the same and are labeled "radical" if we are lucky enough to have a "black" history course to take as an elective, even at "historically black"' colleges. We are not told of the programs for improving the community by the Black Panthers, Malcolm Y, or the Marcus Garvey Pan African Movement. We are only told that they were violent radicals out to over throw this so-called "mighty" nation. We are not told that a Nubian man invented the filament that makes the light bulb work."
One issue is that my parents did not just sit me down in front of a TV to watch so called "white cartoon" characters. Sidenote: so what if they did! When I was in school Yes I was taught European history and part of my American history was about people who looked like me being the slaves who helped to frame the foundation of this country. But when I went home it was my mother who taught me about my Grandfather who was a business man in 1928 and how his family my ancestors and elders were never slaves but free men as far back as my family can remember. They were land owners with a rich American history for which my family has always been proud.
So when I got home every day from school I learned about my family's history as well as American history that I was not taught in school. There are only so many hours in a day so am I to be upset that my teachers who probably knew nothing of Black American history were to then try to teach me and a classroom of students who looked more like them than me about Garret Morgan and Louis Lattimer. I went to a church where I was taught about Garrett Morgan who was the inventor of the stop light and who happened to be a Black man. I was taught about Anthony Johnson who was a free landowner in Virginia during the beginning days of slavery and racial division who also happened to be a Black man. I I learned about George Washington Carver who invented peanut butter and happened to be a Black man. I know that Louis Lattimer made the filament for the light bulb Thomas Edison invented, and he happened to be a Black man. I know all of these things because I had strong Black American parents who taught me all of these things and more in addition to the education I received from school.
Malcolm X and the Black Panther Party were not terrorists but spoken of for the amazing things they did in their communities.
The church I went to growing did not give me a portrait of a "White Jesus" (and so what if they did) as the author states, but rather taught me about a Jesus who more than likely looked like me. A simple Geograpghy lesson helped to do that. I am a proud Christian man not because I have been brain washed but because I choose to believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ. Because it is through these teachings I find a spiritual connection.
The article has a lot of negativity and I could spend time refuting the article point by point. The main point I wish to make in response to this article is this:
I am (as the article states) a Black Same Gender Loving man and I once believed I could only be with another Black Same Gender Loving man. I felt as though there was no way I could ever be with a white man. I searched so hard for that "Ideal Black Man" that I couldn't see when I was walking into situations and relationships that were not good for me.
I am not saying that every Black man is bad. Because if that were true I would have some trouble explaining my own existence on this planet. Because yes I am an Amazing Man. I was not able to find or allow REAL love into my life until I realized what an AMAZING MAN I am irrespective of my race.
I am interested in my history as a Black American. I always have been and continue to be today. I am interested in deepening my spiritual faith through various mediums even though I do primarily consider myself to be a follower of the teachings of Jesus Christ. I want to know more about me as a man and as a spiritual human being.
This article triggered me because I know there was a time when I was so caught up with the race of the person I was with that I looked beyond his faults, which at times may have been too great to ignore. Now I have chosen to look beyond race to see another spiritual human being for the love and energy that individual sends me and in turn for the love and energy he allows me to send him.
For those reasons I began looking for a person to be with who connected with me beyond physical attraction. Someone with a conversation that went beyond "You're Hot" and/or "Sup". Someone who cared about who I am as a spiritual human being not someone who wanted me for the sake of his own self esteem or lack thereof.
I no longer cared about attempting to form the ideal Black gay couple (whatever that means) because too many times I had been a public success in relationships only to hide the failures we were having as a couple behind closed doors.
So I made the conscious decision to stop limiting myself based on superficial things. To stop hiding just because someone was not Black or Latino. To stop worrying about what other people would think or say or what my family would think or say.
Four months ago today I met a man who fits this criteria. A man who cares about me as a person and not as just a sexual being. A man who wants to know about my dreams and goals and cares to push me forward toward meeting those goals individually. A man who also cares about who we are as a couple. He cares (as do I) that we are able to grow spiritually and mentally individually..
Over the four months he and I have fallen in love with each other. I love this man who is not afraid to pray with me even though he is not a Christian or follower of Jesus Christ. And when we are done he simply says "thank you." I love the man who enjoys meditating with me as a means for us to energize ourselves through energizing each other. I love the man who makes me laugh uncontrollably just when I need it. I love a man who texts me randomly in the middle of the day just to tell me I'm beautiful. I love a man who sneaks into my job just to put a post-it on my computer screen that simply has a heart and the word "kiss" on it when I am away from my desk.
I love this man who also allows me to love him. Who is not afraid for us to be affectionate with each other regardless of where we are. He is a man who is comfortable in his own skin and truly does not care what other people think.
I love a man for who he is as he loves me simply for who I am. He doesn't need to be anyone else or change in any way. I love him as he is. Andrew and I have been dating now for four months and I am truly happy. I have found a relationship where I can truly be comfortable being me. A relationship where we are comfortable enough to have honest discussions with each other about all aspects of our lives.
I don't have to be a representative of Austin M.M. Anderson but I can be Austin M. M. Anderson with him all the time. Our races have nothing to do with that. The love we have for each other is totally separate from our outer shells and completely connected with our spirit, our mind and our energy.
We are two individuals who connect on many different levels. We come from different backgrounds yet are strikingly similar in some ways. We have our differences and through those differences we learn from each other and grow.
So how do you love a Black man? The same way you would love any other man with as much of yourself as honestly as you can. I love Andrew and I'm happy every day that we love each other honestly and completely.
